Doing Ph.D. in the midst of a pandemic

Exactly one month ago, I was an exhausted Ph.D. student. My academic workload and my laboratory workload were both starting to clash. I couldn’t comprehend what’s going on in my Stat class, and I overbooked myself with training, conferences and personal commitments to the point that I was extremely tired, and very much longing for a break. My Spring Break was planned: Boston trip, visiting Harvard and MIT and eating to my heart’s content. That was a month ago. Today, I’m at my working area in my apartment, with all my training, conferences and trips postponed following the stay-at-home order by Governor Pritzker of the State of Illinois to help in preventing the spread of a pandemic.

Our University decided to move to online classes right before Spring Break (March 13). I decided not to go to Boston for safety reasons. Cases are rising, air travel is dangerous, and I don’t want to be trapped in a relatively more unfamiliar city in case the State of Illinois issues a lockdown. The first few days were difficult. I was disappointed that my trip was canceled (I know it was the right thing to do): I was really looking forward to it. I have deadlines that I needed to submit the week after Spring Break. Some of my experiments were put on hold. I spent most of my days at home, wondering how this is going to end. I was worried about my parents in the Philippines. They’re not that young and I’m living thousands of miles away from them. I was thinking of the worst and anxiety crept in. The weather in Urbana was also not that pleasant. It was mostly gloomy (it even snowed). By Friday (March 20), I knew I needed to get hold of myself and realign my mind with the new normal: staying indoors, with minimal interaction with other human beings, doing classes online and attending meetings on Zoom or Skype.

I’m quite sure that I’m still not at my best by the time I’m writing this. But things started getting better when I started cleaning my mental space. I tried distracting myself with my ukulele and my makeup kit. I made a weekly table of my to-do list for every hour so that I won’t forget to attend classes and submit paper works (there’s quite a number of paperwork due after Spring Break). I planned my outfits. Monday started with me following my usual work routine as if I’m going to work (although my work area is now just the desk closest to the window in my apartment). It’s challenging to be disciplined to work.

Waking up in the morning is particularly difficult. Every time I check the news and social media, I read about crazy (and sometimes stupid) things and even crazier predictions related to this pandemic. And the worse part? I’m not home. I am in a foreign soil, a place that is unfamiliar. I don’t have a full grasp of how the medical system works here. I have no family that I can go to in case of emergency (I do have friends whom I can count on). I can hear worry and fear every time I talk to my parents over the phone. And I also worry about them. I also am scared for the lives of my friends. I have close friends back in the Philippines who are front liners. Another thought that is a struggle is guilt. I feel guilty for being in a relatively “safer and more convenient” place compared to the people I love. I can order groceries online. My apartment is in a relatively secluded place. Healthcare here might be a little better compared to the healthcare system back home. I’m in a more privileged position compared to others and yet here I am, complaining about the little inconveniences I experience but others struggle more than I do.

There was also a time when I question myself about the role I have in beating this pandemic. What will I be able to contribute aside from staying at home, donating and sharing stuff online? Is this really all I can do about it? As of today, I still don’t know the answer to this question. One day, I might be able to figure it out. But now, I live day by day, focusing on the things I can accomplish at home and things that are within my control. I decided to not focus on things that are way out of my control and stick to the role of being a diligent Ph.D. student, daughter, and friend to the people and the institution I owe it to.

To everyone who took the time to read this, let’s do our part in flattening the curve. Stay indoors if you can. And if you’re working on the front lines or needing to go to work on a daily basis to provide for your family, I salute you. Stay safe.

#COVID-19 #Coronavirus #QuarantineLife #PhD #GraduateSchool #FlattenTheCurve